Grrrrrrrrr I'm such a mug! I had almost an entire entry complete and I accidentally clicked on something, deleting the whole thing. :( Oh well, I guess I'll try to recreate it. Hope it makes some amount of sense. Here goes nothing�

Have I ever told you I�m infatuated with Captain Feathersword from The Wiggles? It�s sad, but true. I find to him be strangely attractive. Of course this shouldn�t be surprising given my past and my odd or terribly poor taste in men. (Ex: Kyle. If I ever get involved in anything like that again, for heaven�s sake please have the sense and the mercy to execute me.) I suppose I�m just not a good judge of men�s characters. Now that all this is out in the open, let us never speak of it again, lest I find myself stalking a fictional character. :S

I must apologize on two accounts. First, for my distasteful display of begging in a recent entry, I assure you it will not happen again or at least it shouldn�t. Stoopid brain. Second, for my lack of updates. Truth be told, I am not well, I haven�t been for several weeks. I�ve been very disturbed, I don�t know why. There is no reasonable explanation for the way my mind is working at this time. All I know is it is so mentally disturbing that it is making me physically ill. I�ve been walking around in a feverish state with my body consumed by the shakes. The nausea it has created is overwhelming, I could barely move lest a wave of racking pain overtake my body.

I couldn�t eat, couldn�t think, couldn�t sleep or breathe. I was only bathing when the feverish state became extremely unbearable. I�d been wearing the same pair of jams for nearly a week straight. It was absolutely disgusting but I had no strength or interest in trying to make myself clean and presentable. Besides, I hadn�t left the house in quite some time, I couldn�t. I didn�t want to face the world. And in the days before I had only left when it was absolutely necessary and then only for short amounts of time, never traveling very far. Yesterday was probably the worst day in a very long time. The state I was in was most appalling, and the only reason I came up with is that my body has some grudge against me. My mind is so thoroughly disturbed that it decides my body must be as well. I hate this feeling. No, I loathe it entirely. I want nothing more than for it to be gone forever and if I can�t have that, I want it to disappear for a long time. I just want the chance to have a semi-normal life, is that too much to ask?

Today though, has been much better. It�s all due to a phone call I received last night from Tom. What a Godsend! J We talked for nearly an hour; well rather he talked and then forced me to respond. It was grand nonetheless. He sounded tired and I�m sure he would much rather have been sleeping than talking to me. I was very selfish though and kept him on the line. It was just what I needed, a great help indeed. I appreciate it more than he or anyone will ever know.

By the time I got off the phone with him the nausea had lessened, the feverish state was all but gone, my vision was a lot less blurred, and the shakes had stopped entirely. I didn�t feel the need to cry anymore. I flushed my eyes and washed my face, as it was too late to bathe. I changed into the jam pants that Marie gave me and the jam shirt that Steph got me last year for my birthday. (Speaking of shirts, I better go put one on. Eh� yeah, brb. Okay, right, I�m back. I�m wearing the Lola shirt that Marie made for me. It�s rather snazzy actually. It�s a red tee with a black spider web tie dyed on it. It�s got a little Spider-Man logo on the front and says �Lola the Pigmy� on the back. I love it!) Anyway, after I changed into the fresh jams, I sat with Jack and listened to Bitch, Bitch, Bitch several times. (Marie said it reminded her of me, so now I listen to it when I want to feel more at home or when I think about her.) Just those few simple things helped me so much.

Around midnight my host mom finally came out from putting the baby to bed. She apologized several times for telling Tom he had the wrong number when he called the first time. (I am considering changing my name to Lolly so there can be no mistake when people ask for me on the phone. Of course it doesn�t help that I get very few phone calls so they�re not accustomed to having people ask for me.) I told her it was fine and went to bed. I actually slept last night, it took me a little while to fall asleep but I did sleep. For the first time in a long time I dreamt a regular dream instead of an obscure nightmare. Well, it was really quite a strange dream but all that matters is it wasn�t a nightmare. I slept pretty sound as well, only waking up once when the baby woke up and asked for me.

I got up at the regular time this morning, fixed breakfast and got the kids ready and off to school. Maddie apologized several more times for telling Tom he had the wrong number last night. (I guess little things really eat at her.) After she headed off to work, I bathed the baby and turned on The Wiggles for her. (That�s where the whole Captain Feathersword bit came from.) I had a really interesting conversation with Casi on MSN, maybe I�ll write about it later. I also got to talk to Cal and Bri but I never really get anything out of those conversations. I just got done talking to Steph, she says Marie�s not doing so well so I think I need to give her a call.

I�ve been thinking about goals and things I can do to keep myself busy. Maybe that will help fight off this mental disturbance. So far the list has come to this:

1. Attempt to get on a regular eating and sleeping schedule
2. Keep up on correspondence.
3. Write � get those stories and poems out of my head and on to paper.
4. Get up the nerve to ask Tracy if I can use her piano and if I can�t do that, practice more regularly on the keyboard.
5. Update The Archives (eek).
6. Finish the Caterpillar Dog site.
7. Update my diary regularly.
8. Walk.
9. Keep on top of clients� demands, be careful not to fall behind.
10. Remember to give Erin feedback because her artwork kicks bootius maximus.

I finish reading Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde today, rather interesting. I have decided that once I am done reading A Beautiful Mind I will lay of the books about people with mental disorders for a while. I got an email saying they shipped my Fellowship Gift on Tuesday so it should be here soon. Squeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh yeah, it's my god-daughter Ophelia's first birthday today. I'd love to send her card or give her family a call but I honestly have no idea where they are right now. They're a rather nomadic family, it's hard to keep tabs on where they are. Oh well, I guess it'll just have be the thoughts that count this time.

Well that�s about it for now, I�m going to listen to some music for a little while and try to write a bit more for my poetry site. Adjo, and take care.