So I'm going to attempt to write a full entry before I have to leave for work shortly. First off, thankees to all who filled out the survey. You really made my day. I needed a serious pick-me-up. The last few days (well, I want to say days but I actually can't tell you how long it's been) have been been incredibly difficult for me. I have had major ups and major downs in a very brief time. As George Jung once said "It was the greatest feeling I ever had. Followed abruptly by the worst feeling I ever had." Cept mine pertains to my entire life and not a cocaine overdose. Though, I wouldn't mind one of those right now.

Bad Winter! No talky like that! I apologize, it's just that I'm feeling pretty low right now. I think it's kinda strange how my friends can ignore me and let me dwindle into a state such as this and then when they finally decide I'm allowed back in their lives they wonder why I'm like this. Wow, that was a loverly run-on sentence.

I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm bruised. And quite frankly, I'm lost. I have no direction in life. There's a lot of things that I want to say but I can't find the words. All I know is that I hate this feeling and I wish I could banish it for eternity. "Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now there's almost not enough to stay alive." That's how I feel right now. I've given myself to people and allowed them to use me, to drain me of the will to live.

I've been spending a lot of time with Marie since she got back from Russia and I can admit that she's probably one of the only reasons I'm still alive. She's holding me together right now and I'm grateful to her for that. I stopped by her house to drop something off and ended up being there for seven hours. She made me a malt and we watched Mesmer. It was interestin in it's on perverse way. And I'm sure I would have enjoyed it much more if I hadn't been dealing with my own mental afflictions. I'm my meds and that's making it all worse. But without insurance I just can't afford meds. If I can just hang on til January when the insurance will pick me back up then things should be fine. "Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again. But life goes on."

There's no structure to these entries. I guess maybe because I have no structure in my mind right now. But it will get better. It has to. Life can't strangle me forever. It has to allow me to breathe at some point. After an interesting discussion we decided that there's only one reason guys date me. I make the perfect ex-gf. I won't screw you over but you can still blame everything on me and everyone will believe it. I'm the perfect sympathy kick.

I went up the canyon on Saturday with some friends. I actually had a good time and there were no unsightly scenes to be found the entire night. Steph gave me a copy of the Pirates soundtrack and I'm loving it. I listen to it constantly because it carries me away and I don't have to dwell on my own unhappiness. I love music. It's a part of my soul, without music I'd be gone, far beyond repair.

I received a letter from Kyle the other day. He wanted to know if I could ever forgive him. He and Michelle are seperated temporarily to allow them to get back on their feet. He's out of rehab and almost done with his community service. He's seeing a therapist and claims that he really wants to get his life straightened out. I honestly hope that's the case. Anyway, he asked if I could ever forgive him and said that he'd understand if I felt I couldn't. After thinking about it for a short while, I realized that I'd forgiven him long ago. Strange as it seems, I feel indebted to him. Sure, he screwed up my life and left me both mentally and emotionally scarred. But at the same time he gave me hope amongst other important things. For a short time I truly felt beautiful and intelligent. I felt loved and worthy of life. And at that point and time it was something I really needed to feel. If it hadn't been for him I would never have met Angel.

I can't imagine not having known Angel. She saved my life more than once. Every time I reach for the pills or the knife I see her face and think of the promise I made. I can still hear her voice. Isn't it funny how things turn out? You're living and you want so very much to die while I'm dying and want so very much to live. Fate can be so twisted at times. You have to promise me that you will live. You have to live. If not for yourself and those who love you, live for me. Live like I never can. Watch the sunrise in the morning and dance in the rain. Travel the world and discover life. Discover all those things that I've had to go without. Live so that I may live after I'm gone." I miss her so terribly at times. She keeps me alive because I couldn't ever willingly break a promise to her. I have to live for her, for Marci, for the many others who never made it out.

Yes, I forgave Kyle long ago. He did some terrible things that had tragic results but that was then and this is now. He's trying to make ammends and I shouldn't be the one to hold him back. He offered to send some money to pay for college but I'll have to decline. While I desperately need the money, I can't help but feel strange accepting money from my former fiancee. I hope he finds happiness and I hope his wife finds it as well. I hope Michelle finds someone worthy of her. I hope that Jim Carrey can find true love. I hope Nicole Kidman can find the perfect man because she deserves it. And I hope that things turn out decently for everyone.

I must be off, have to get ready for work but I have a feeling I'll be adding another entry tonight. My mind is in a jumble and I think that writing some of this down with help straighten things out just a tad. Until then, take care and please don't allow too much fondling to ensue in my absence