Well, I just finished this new layout. It's not much, rather plain but it suits my needs and purposes just fine. I'm listening to The Cranberries and waxing philosophical. I'm wondering at which point my mind will catch up with my body. I mean, physically I'm twenty but mentally I still feel and act like I'm fourteen years old.

I argued with my parents earlier today. I love and respect them but sometimes I feel like they don't realize I'm no longer a little child. Afterward I just wanted someone to hold me but I didn't have anyone to turn to. This loneliness is a lot harder to endure than I could ever have imagined. I don't want to be the center of anyone's life but it would be nice to have someone I could confide in on occassion.

I've been moody lately. I think it's mainly due to the stoopid sappy romances I've been watching and reading lately. I really should stop because they just end up depressing me. I want that romance in my life but I'm either too scared or too old-fashioned to go out and find it. I rarely make the first move. Truth is I'm shy. All my "friends" would tell I'm lying about that but that's only because they're close to me so I'm much more comfortable and open with them. They usually have to tell me to shut up but when it comes to meeting new people, I find that I'm speechless and incredibly shy. I wish I could bring myself to make the first move.

I spent a couple of hours this evening up the canyon by myself. I would like to have stayed longer but it's not exactly safe to up there alone after dark and I didn't want another lecture from the rents. I spent most of the time there pining away and reading poetry in the Grotto. Seemed perfect for a brief moment. I wanted to just take off, keep driving, follow where over road led. Unfortunately, responsiblity and lack of funds prevent me from doing this.

I just want to let loose for a while, to be selfish and not have to care about anyone by myself. I want to be in love with someone and not infatuated with the unreachable. There's so much I want but won't ever have because I can't be selfish like that. I want to be but I can't.

I've been so restless lately, in more ways than one. I can't sleep for sleep is riddled with unsettling dreams. I can't sit in one place or concentrate on one thing for long because my thoughts keep straying to what might be. i find myself worrying and thinking about things that hadn't really ever crossed my mind before.

Well, I want to continue this entry but like I said, I'm restless and I'm finding it hard to write any more for the moment. I'll be back later with more droning to bleed your ears.