I'm a bitch. Yeah I admit it and proudly, I might add. I have no pretenses about that. I'm fickle, mean, petty, conniving, deceitful, and spiteful. So why the hell are people so disappointed when I don't rise to their grand expectations? I never promised them anything except that I'd be brutally honest. That's who I am and I'm not changing it for anyone, it suits me just fine. In the past I've been fairly conservative about what I write here, that is until now.

I don't give a rat's ass about what other people think. This is my blog and I'll say whatever the hell I want. I will not censor my life to better suit them. I will not become a product of the machine. To hell with that. This is my story and I'll tell it however I want. I'm pissed, I'm not gonna sugar-coat it. Some things were said tonight that just really set me off. I may be a bitch, but I'm not the villain. That'd be the person who pretends to be an angel and in truth is a bitch. I know I'm a bitch so I look and act like one so don't try to make me out as the villain.

In truth I wish this didn't bug me, but it does and I can't get to sleep until I say something about. I'm not going to apologize for not meeting your expectations. I don't have to, I didn't set that standard so I'm sure as hell not going to worry about living up to it. Make yourself out to be the saint, go right ahead. Paint me as the devil's handmaid, see if it phases me. You can preach all your righteousness but do it elsewhere you hypocritical bastard. I won't be a player in your distorted melodrama. I will not play the pawn, not ever again.

Gah! I'm so damn frustrated at this point. Now, for the first time really, I wonder why I even bothered. If I had known the shite you were gonna pull I woulda made every effort to steer clear of you. Argh, just shut the hell up. Tell your stories to the world, just stay out of my range of hearing. I'm not gonna hold myself responsible for anything I say or do concerning the matter from here on out. I've been withdrawn, confined to my shadows in a most reasonable fashion. Now, it's my turn to fuel the fires of hell.

You always talked about sacrifices and compromises and how you did everything and I did nothing. To that I say fuck you. You have no idea what I did, what I went through and how many scars I smoothed over to try and make you happy. Hell, I was almost raped by someone I trusted and that makes me a little paranoid about the physical touch. Suddenly, instead of consideration or understanding it becomes my condemning fault. Shit. So a person doesn't like to kiss, doesn't want to spend every moment making out, shit, there's so much more to a relationship than that you horny prick.

Don't you dare talk to me about sacrifices and compromises. My whole fucking life is a compromise and do I go flaunting that to everyone I meet? No, I'm very careful with who I choose to share my complaints. I was very cautious in what I said, I didn't want to offend or cause hurt. I avoided everybody's feet and painted myself the villain in order to avoid causing trouble. But now, now I don't give a flying fuck. I'll say whatever the hell I want.

I'm not perfect, I never professed to be. So I'm Schizoid, so I hears and see things that aren't really there. What the hell does it matter? That's who I am. I've come to terms with it why can't the rest of the world do the same? There's a million things I want to say in regards to this and it is only out of respect to a certain someone that I do not divulge the entirety of my mind. Count yourself lucky... this time.

Damn, I'm so enraged now I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep tonight. I have to calm myself down. I could talk about my hopes, my dreams, my plans but I don't think I want to share them with you anymore.

For my own sake I want to dwell on a more pleasing manner. I spent the majority of yesterday with My Marie. It was such a breath of fresh air. I couldn't possibly begin to describe how much I love her. Anyway, we watched a couple of movies while we were waiting for the male fiasco, that has reared it's ugly head, to fully unfold. In the middle of the second movie there was a fabulous line. It struck me to the core.

"Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end."

That's what I want and if I'm asking for the stars to realign themselves in a most unsuitable manner then so be it. I want that or nothing at all. I can deal with casual for the moment but when it comes down to the rest of my life, that's what I want. I will not compromise that. And if it never happens and I spend the rest of my days as a spinster I can deal with that. But I refuse to allow myself to be sucked into anything less. I'm tired of being made to feel like the whore. I'm tired of feeling cheap and used.

I'm well aware that this doesn't really make much sense but that doesn't matter. It's my haven and I can rant in whatever ever manner I desire. I feel much better having gotten some of this down. I hope that I've gained enough solace for the remainder of the night to be somewhat peaceful. My love to those who are true and my pity to those who are false. Take care for I hear Cesar calling me and I must join him.